20 TIPS TO ESCAPE FROM WORK

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

2. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit
the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly,
resetting the clocks in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

3. My stigmata's acting up.

4. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

5. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

6. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

7. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No,
no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling.

8. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

9. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

10. The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

11. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

12. The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

14. My step mother has come back as one of the un-dead and we must track her
to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace.
One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

16. I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian to
Gregorian.

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18. I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'd like to call in dead.

20. I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in
today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last
year's Christmas party.