Funny One Liners

ONE LINERS..

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

I pretend to study - they pretend to teach me.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Please, god, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.


The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

IPL to be played outside India

The second season of the Indian Premier League (IPL) will not be held in India. At the BCCI working committee meeting today in Mumbai, a decision was taken to stage the tournament outside the country "because of the extraordinary situation existing this year."

"Under the given circumstances, the BCCI is not in a position to either play a truncated IPL or to cancel the second edition of the IPL. It is a matter of great regret that, in the prevailing atmosphere, where the government is expressing concern for providing security to the IPL matches, the BCCI is left with no other option but to conduct the Indian Premier League in another country," the board stated in a media release.

An IPL official said England and South Africa have emerged as the frontrunners to host the event which runs from April 10- May 24. While Gerald Majola, Cricket South Africa's chief executive, said South Africa were ready to host the tournament if needed, an ECB spokesman told Cricinfo that the board was aware of the situation, and that it would be making a statement in due course. David Collier, the ECB chief executive, is currently in Guyana ahead of the second ODI against West Indies.

Discussions between the BCCI and the respective boards will get underway and a decision is likely in two to three days.

Lalit Modi, the IPL commissioner, who was present at the working committee meeting said there will be no changes made to the tournament's format or the schedule. "All 59 games will happen as per schedule, with the first game to be played at 4:00 pm IST and the second game beginning at 8:00 pm IST," he said.

He assured that that the IPL would not cut any corners despite hosting the event outside the country. He refused to dwell on the revenue sharing agreement with the prospective foreign board and pointed out the tournament's focus was to provide the best possible entertainment for the Indian fan.

Manohar also said the BCCI officials would be having a discussion with the eight franchise owners and believed they would not have any objection. "We will hold discussions with the owners. I don't think the franchises would oppose us," he said.

"We are happy the IPL is happening", Nita Ambani, owner of Mumbai Indians said. Vijay Mallya, who owns the Bangalore Royal Challengers, said he was happy the tournament was on and was rest assured about the franchise "We have been assured the rights and interests of all franchises will be protected," Mallya said.

Letter to God.....very funny

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.


His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.


Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.


Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.


Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


************ **


Letter 1


Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.



************ **



Letter 2


Dear God,


I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.


Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a third letter.


************ **


Letter 3


God,


I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,


Bobby


************ **


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.



Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.


Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.



Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.


He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.


He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Bobby began to write his letter to God.


************ **


Letter 4


God,


I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

DATING

Hello guy, love is such a good feel and it is made stronger through dating. I am going to share with you about a dating site. I know everyone will be eager to know about it because everyone likes to date someone in the weekend and you may find it difficult to find a partner. When I was browsing across the sites I found an online dating site. This finds your partner and hereafter you don’t want to roam behind a girl/boy for a date. Stay in home just by the click of your mouse you can find a date. I hereby like to add some useful tips for the boys likes to date a girl.

1: It is important that you always seem to be nice because they look dated imported women. You also want to congratulate the woman recalled how she looks because women like to know that you think looks nice.

2: You always have to be honest about yourself and everything. The lie will only get in trouble and cause women to want to date you. Don’t be up on things just to impress a woman because if they don’t like you is that you need to find someone new to date.

3: Make plans ahead of time. You don’t want to take your time and not have any plans on what you two do that night. If you don’t have any idea then talk to other individuals you know to see what they suggest.

4: It is important to listen when they speak, but it is also important to talk a little about yourself. How familiar are you with?

5: Remember to use the mom and how she taught him. No woman likes to go out with someone who is a Slob when they eat, dress or anything else. Here are some simple tips on dating for the individuals that you can continue to have a successful first date. These dating tips will also help you get a second date. If you don’t want to follow these tips then you don’t have to but if you don’t you find it very hard to ever get a date. If you want to be single forever, or the dating of the beginning lies entirely to you.

HOW TO WEAR A SAREE

Step 1
Start with the Inner Edge(least patterned plain end) of the Saree, with the Fall (lined border) falling along the inside of the bottom edge. Tuck the Inner Edge into the waistband of the Petticoat slightly to the right side, with the rest of the saree wrapping round to the left. The amount you tuck in depends on how tall or short you are or how long you want to wear the saree.

Step 2
Measure the length of the Pallu (the fanciest patterned end of the saree that falls on the outside so that the design can be seen). This will be on the other end of the Saree from the end you have just tucked in. Take this measured Pallu Length (approx. 1 metre) and take it behind you from your left and forward again from your right.



Step 3
Take the Pallu that you have just brought forward from your right, and fling it over your left shoulder for the time being, so it is out of the way. This is done to see how much of the Saree should be pleated into the waistband. The Saree now left in front of you is pleated to tuck into the waistband.

Step 4
Pleat the remaining Saree into five to six inch wide pleats.



Step 5
Hold all the pleats together, making sure the bottom end is level with the rest of the Saree all round.

Step 6
Tuck this bundle of pleats in one movement into the waistband of the petticoat, thus securing it.

Step 7
The Pallu of the Saree can now be arranged to suit your own style. The style normally and most commonly used is flinging the Pallu over the left shoulder or pleating it and pinning it to the left shoulder, so that the Pallu can swing open at the back. Two of the most popular methods of draping the Pallu are shown below.


Contemporary Style

This is the most commonly favored style and is easy to manage with the help of a pin. It is the more commonly used style for formal work-related occassions as it looks crisp neat and smart. The Pallu is flung over the left shoulder. It can either be left to drape over your entire left arm or be gathered in pleats onto the shoulder. A pin can be used to secure the saree to your shoulder but we caution you to be careful as this can damage delicate sarees.



Gujarati Style
This is a traditional draping style from the state of Gujarat. It is easier to manage and suited for draping Heavily Worked / Bridal / Silk Sarees. After tucking the pleats into your Petticoat (Step 6) remove the Pallu section from your left shoulder (over which it had been flung earlier to keep out of the way in Step 3). Bring part of the Pallu forward from your back by draping it over your right shoulder. The Pallu can now be arranged into an upside-down fan-shape from your right shoulder. The remainder is left to hang behind in a J-shaped arc from the back of your left hip where it is still tucked into the waistband, to the back of your right shoulder.

Business Credit

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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY